You wanted it this way

This is a new song I wrote today:



You show up here
You say you want me back
You've had some time to think
I'm the best thing you have

And though you know
You told me it was over
Still you love me so
You don't wanna let me go.

But baby I've done thinkin
Some thinkin of my own
And now I need some time myself
Some time to be alone
What happened just can't be undone
Things just aren't the same
So remember that although it hurts,
There's no one else to blame:

You wanted it this way.
You wanted to have your space-
You wanted to say goodbye
But now you're in a better place
And suddenly- you see there's only me
for you
and you dont know what to do
cause now I'm gone,
and I've moved on.
but you wanted it this way.

You watched me cry
You turned around and walked away without a word
No more than just goodbye
I couldn't breathe.
Everything was you
Was nothing I could do
But somehow I made it through

And just when I can finally feel the sun upon my face
Just when I'm finally healing
and in a better place
Now you say you're sorry
Now you say you've changed
that you've got your act together
Your priorities arranged

But you wanted it this way,
You wanted a brand new start
And you never stopped to think
About my broken heart
Or how I felt
Or what-this-might-do to me
but now you finally see
but its too late, and I've moved on.
But you wanted it this way............

You wanted it this way..................

Now you decide you miss me
That you made a big mistake
But falling out of love was just a chance you had to take


(acoustic)
you wanted it this way-
You wanted to have your space-
You wanted to say goodbye
But now you're in a better place
And suddenly- you see there's only me
for you
and you dont know what to do
cause now I'm gone,
and I've moved on.
but you wanted it this way.

Hot July Day

So much to do, but the heat quells the spirit.
Loose ends to die, errands to run, calls to make, yet no desire
The sweat drips off my skin like wet paint.
dripping, down my back in long thin strokes,
I don't want to do anything today,
Maybe I will just sit here and write,
until the day, returns to night.

the end

when someone you know dies.
it is always sad
you miss the talks. the times you had and suddenly you are reminded.
that despite the commitments:
the bills, the obligations, the milestones, the laughter, and tears.
It can all be gone in an instant.

You were a light. A true light that shined. It radiated from you like the sun itself. It made me want to be a better person, and anyone who knew you wanted to know how to get that light.

I know that you are in a better place, that your life now is far better than it ever was here,
I know you are in a better place with angels surrounding you.
a place of laughter, of happiness, a place with more light than even you could give.

And no one deserves it more than you.

All because of what he said...

He told her.
and she LEAPT for JOY!
ME! ME! How could this BE!
She smiled the loudest smile she had, the one with all the teeth and the waves and waves of
pleasure
happiness
awe
euphoria

AND
she put her hands down from over her head and she sighed, the biggest sigh she could muster.
The one that let out all the pain,
all the hurt,
all the residual memories that plagued her.
She looked at her own reflection and said

YOU! YOU! YOU deserve this my darling! You have earned this a thousand times over. Wash your face and put on that dress you have, for you are beautiful!
and then she made PLANS!

she dusted off the dreams she had left broken on the floor of her wounded youth. She dusted them off and she put them on the wall right next to the picture of her pretty face and her healing heart, and the one of the flower, plucked to the last bud.

She closed her eyes and smelled the air, she listened to the silence. It would be a memory she would never let
get any further than the front of her mind.

and all of this she did,
because he told her
I LOVE YOU. (and she knew he meant it)

tug of war

what do you say to someone who has come
into your life like water to a stream?
what do you do when everything he's done
seems like its coming to you in a dream

the more you try to shy and hide away
the more his presence seems to trickle in
and though you fight to keep his arms at bay
they melt you when they lightly graze your skin

the easy fix would be to just concede
give up the war and let him deep inside
although you aren't sure where this path will lead
he has your heart, relinquish now your pride

And yet you choose to play this game until
you finally surrender to his will.

The acceptance of excellence

how odd,
far to often we seek perfection
and yet when we find it within ourselves, however fleeting
we reject it.

We'd rather walk through fire, endure pain beyond fathom,
then simply acknowledge our own worth.

Why is this so?


Are we afraid that in giving the self some ounce of undue credit, we might topple the axis the very earth balances apon?
Do we fear the result of feeling so proud of ourselves that we strive to do more to better ourselves and better the lives of others?
Or perhaps that in appreciating ourselves, we leave ourselves unable to appreciate the good we see in others? In the world?

None of this is true.

Instead we must.
For once and FOR ALL
begin to be proud of ourselves.
I am strong,
I am good,
I am worthy of the love of others and I am worthy of the love of MYSELF!!
I deserve to be happy, and I am proud of the person I have become.

this one

It is all downhill from here.

It feels like today

I awoke with a heavy heart. Money troubles, sadness. Not exactly sure what perpetuated it. The weather today is aweful, and I barely slept. Yet somehow, I am hopeful of what this day will bring. And the days to come.
I have found myself, somewhere underneath all of this rubble of distruction and pain, and self doubt and loathing, I have found myself. I have been here all along. There is nothing and no one who can fulfill me, save myself.
I must SAVE myself.

Baby Steps

At first. It seems like everything is going perfect. That it won't take any time at all to fix what took you so little time to mess up.
Then as time goes on, you realize, that the pain you caused runs so deep, that it will take more effort than you have ever exerted on anything, to even get back to neutral.
But it can't all come at once. You can't burn someone alive and then just throw them into a tub of ice. It doesn't work like that.
Each time, it hurts a little less, and then before you know it starts to get better.
But you must take baby steps.

Rock Bottom

Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom, you almost don't feel so bad,
because now that you are there, you know it can't get any worse.
Things, are definately the way they seem, and although they are bad, at least you know they are.

The things that you feared for so long, have come to fruition, and despite all of this, you are still alive, breathing; if only barely.

It will take an immense amount of introspection and self reflection to get your life back the way it was when it was good. When you didn't know how good you had it.

But if anyone can do it, YOU CAN!

Pensive

Today has been a decent day. I have been keeping my self busy. I decided to clean my room as if I was him. Only the neccesary things are visible. Already it makes me feel better.
I still have a long way to go.
One of the things I miss the most about him, that I truly took for granted was that he always let me be myself. It didn't matter how silly I was, or how childish, he accepted me for who I was.
I on the other hand, spent most of our time trying to change him, and giving him a hard time for being who he was.

He is not humpty dumpty, and I can not put him back together again, I know that he will never trust or love me the way he once did. I am finally at the point where I understand that.
When he has healed, and enough time passes, perhaps he will find a new girl, one with shining eyes, and big dreams, one who wants to love him as much as she loves herself. A girl who makes him feel like the luckiest man in the world because she loves him.

A girl who is not afraid not to be in the spotlight, one who doesn't need to be coddled.
A girl who is independent, but not distant.

Maybe someday, that girl will be me.

Heartsick

I wake too early.
The aching in my stomach threatens to tear me apart.
There is no release, nothing can stop this pain.
My cheeks are chafed from all the crying I have done.

I wish so desperately for sleep, for anything to numb me, if only for a minute.
Everywhere I turn are memories, thoughts of a time when I was the only thing in his world.
Now, I am not even part of his world.

I know, or rather, I must believe, that somehow I will forget him.
That I will find new love and that love will be better than any I have ever known.
I have to believe that.
And yet, I can't.

Because all I want is him.
His smile, his touch, his arms around me.
And I know I can not have that.
And it makes me heartsick.

Rising From the Ashes

It is the first day of the new year.
And here I am, once again writing about the beginning of the rest of my life. This has been an exercise in frustration since I was eleven years old. I'd find myself a new shiny notebook, open it up to the first page, and start with this sentence.

Today is the first day of the Rest of my Life.

This usually starts out pretty well, and of course always ends in some kind of disaster.
This is due to the fact that until recently, I was a person who thrived on chaos. If something in my life wasn't going wrong, I didn't know how to deal. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it didn't, I made sure that it would by doing something to destroy myself.

I am sitting here on this computer that I haven't paid for looking out the window at the ocean of the Condo I can't afford, and wondering how I let myself get to this point.

I had everything.

And now, I feel like I have nothing.

Sure, I have amazing family who support me in everything I do, but how many times do they need to be called in the middle of the night, or hear me cry about my life? When do they get to live their lives? I am sure even they would love to know the answer.

The most amazing man in the world, was madly in love with me. And I let him slip away, or rather, I pushed him away. The pain I feel now, is something I don't think even the Bard could describe. I ache for that lost love, more than I ever thought I could.

I know that someday I will look back on this and laugh, because I will never let myself feel like this again. This day, this new year, is different. There is no starting over.. there is rebirth. I am becoming Phoenix. I rise out of the ashes of my past, and my pain and I spread my new wings of confidence, of self love, of awareness. I stand before you, for the first time. A woman, and no longer a lost little girl. It is I who must provide my own redemption.