this one

It is all downhill from here.

It feels like today

I awoke with a heavy heart. Money troubles, sadness. Not exactly sure what perpetuated it. The weather today is aweful, and I barely slept. Yet somehow, I am hopeful of what this day will bring. And the days to come.
I have found myself, somewhere underneath all of this rubble of distruction and pain, and self doubt and loathing, I have found myself. I have been here all along. There is nothing and no one who can fulfill me, save myself.
I must SAVE myself.

Baby Steps

At first. It seems like everything is going perfect. That it won't take any time at all to fix what took you so little time to mess up.
Then as time goes on, you realize, that the pain you caused runs so deep, that it will take more effort than you have ever exerted on anything, to even get back to neutral.
But it can't all come at once. You can't burn someone alive and then just throw them into a tub of ice. It doesn't work like that.
Each time, it hurts a little less, and then before you know it starts to get better.
But you must take baby steps.

Rock Bottom

Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom, you almost don't feel so bad,
because now that you are there, you know it can't get any worse.
Things, are definately the way they seem, and although they are bad, at least you know they are.

The things that you feared for so long, have come to fruition, and despite all of this, you are still alive, breathing; if only barely.

It will take an immense amount of introspection and self reflection to get your life back the way it was when it was good. When you didn't know how good you had it.

But if anyone can do it, YOU CAN!

Pensive

Today has been a decent day. I have been keeping my self busy. I decided to clean my room as if I was him. Only the neccesary things are visible. Already it makes me feel better.
I still have a long way to go.
One of the things I miss the most about him, that I truly took for granted was that he always let me be myself. It didn't matter how silly I was, or how childish, he accepted me for who I was.
I on the other hand, spent most of our time trying to change him, and giving him a hard time for being who he was.

He is not humpty dumpty, and I can not put him back together again, I know that he will never trust or love me the way he once did. I am finally at the point where I understand that.
When he has healed, and enough time passes, perhaps he will find a new girl, one with shining eyes, and big dreams, one who wants to love him as much as she loves herself. A girl who makes him feel like the luckiest man in the world because she loves him.

A girl who is not afraid not to be in the spotlight, one who doesn't need to be coddled.
A girl who is independent, but not distant.

Maybe someday, that girl will be me.

Heartsick

I wake too early.
The aching in my stomach threatens to tear me apart.
There is no release, nothing can stop this pain.
My cheeks are chafed from all the crying I have done.

I wish so desperately for sleep, for anything to numb me, if only for a minute.
Everywhere I turn are memories, thoughts of a time when I was the only thing in his world.
Now, I am not even part of his world.

I know, or rather, I must believe, that somehow I will forget him.
That I will find new love and that love will be better than any I have ever known.
I have to believe that.
And yet, I can't.

Because all I want is him.
His smile, his touch, his arms around me.
And I know I can not have that.
And it makes me heartsick.

Rising From the Ashes

It is the first day of the new year.
And here I am, once again writing about the beginning of the rest of my life. This has been an exercise in frustration since I was eleven years old. I'd find myself a new shiny notebook, open it up to the first page, and start with this sentence.

Today is the first day of the Rest of my Life.

This usually starts out pretty well, and of course always ends in some kind of disaster.
This is due to the fact that until recently, I was a person who thrived on chaos. If something in my life wasn't going wrong, I didn't know how to deal. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it didn't, I made sure that it would by doing something to destroy myself.

I am sitting here on this computer that I haven't paid for looking out the window at the ocean of the Condo I can't afford, and wondering how I let myself get to this point.

I had everything.

And now, I feel like I have nothing.

Sure, I have amazing family who support me in everything I do, but how many times do they need to be called in the middle of the night, or hear me cry about my life? When do they get to live their lives? I am sure even they would love to know the answer.

The most amazing man in the world, was madly in love with me. And I let him slip away, or rather, I pushed him away. The pain I feel now, is something I don't think even the Bard could describe. I ache for that lost love, more than I ever thought I could.

I know that someday I will look back on this and laugh, because I will never let myself feel like this again. This day, this new year, is different. There is no starting over.. there is rebirth. I am becoming Phoenix. I rise out of the ashes of my past, and my pain and I spread my new wings of confidence, of self love, of awareness. I stand before you, for the first time. A woman, and no longer a lost little girl. It is I who must provide my own redemption.