Rising From the Ashes

It is the first day of the new year.
And here I am, once again writing about the beginning of the rest of my life. This has been an exercise in frustration since I was eleven years old. I'd find myself a new shiny notebook, open it up to the first page, and start with this sentence.

Today is the first day of the Rest of my Life.

This usually starts out pretty well, and of course always ends in some kind of disaster.
This is due to the fact that until recently, I was a person who thrived on chaos. If something in my life wasn't going wrong, I didn't know how to deal. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it didn't, I made sure that it would by doing something to destroy myself.

I am sitting here on this computer that I haven't paid for looking out the window at the ocean of the Condo I can't afford, and wondering how I let myself get to this point.

I had everything.

And now, I feel like I have nothing.

Sure, I have amazing family who support me in everything I do, but how many times do they need to be called in the middle of the night, or hear me cry about my life? When do they get to live their lives? I am sure even they would love to know the answer.

The most amazing man in the world, was madly in love with me. And I let him slip away, or rather, I pushed him away. The pain I feel now, is something I don't think even the Bard could describe. I ache for that lost love, more than I ever thought I could.

I know that someday I will look back on this and laugh, because I will never let myself feel like this again. This day, this new year, is different. There is no starting over.. there is rebirth. I am becoming Phoenix. I rise out of the ashes of my past, and my pain and I spread my new wings of confidence, of self love, of awareness. I stand before you, for the first time. A woman, and no longer a lost little girl. It is I who must provide my own redemption.